Stupid things I thought when I was 6 years old that, upon review, are far more awesome than reality.

This is an incomplete list of time when my imagination would take simple phrases and turn them into something  incorrect but much cooler than they actually were.


Gorilla Warfare

The first time I hear the term "guerrilla warfare", it was regarding was civil war in Central America (Nicaragua, I think). The newscaster actually said something like " The Sandinistas clashed with guerrilla forces outside  Managua as hostilities escalated... ".   As I was still a bit away from covering the American revolution in school, my young mind had no context (or spelling) for the word guerrilla. So what I heard was "Gorilla forces" and I immediately imagined that the fighting was being done by creatures like Monsieur Mallah (pictured below). This idea was bolstered by video footage of gunfire into and returned from the Nicaraguan rainforest, with nary a human in sight.  I was so excited. Planet of the Apes was actually happening!  I remember be so disappointed when my mother explained the truth.

Native produce

My grandfather to rave about native tomatoes and corn.  Of course, too many Johnny Quest & Gilligan's Island reruns combined with an insufficient understanding that "native" also meant "local" (it may have helped if the old man had said "Native Grown", but probably not), caused me to imagine that they was farmed  were farmed by Pacific Islanders living in huts and delivered by dugout.    Now, native grown tomatoes actually do taste much better that the factory farmed tomatoes that appear at grocery stores, so much so that it's not difficult to believe that they are exotic. Since I also had no sense of geography or money at that point, I didn't realize how inconvenient and expensive such produce might be. If I had, I'd have known instantly that my grandmother would never have allowed my grandfather to buy it.

Rocky Horror

I was also under the impression that the Rocky Horror Picture Show starred Sylvester Stallone and couldn't understand why my parents refused to take me to see it when the theater by the Naugatuck Valley Mall was doing a showing at Halloween.   Their argument against it was "The people who go to that are weird. they dress in constumes, and throw things at people in front of the screen."  Needless to say, that line of reasoning was not persuasive to a 7 year old. In fact, my seven year old self was thinking "What the fuck? Why wouldn't I want to see that?"  Well, maybe not phrased quite that way, but the grade school equivalent.  Anyway, how great would it have been to hear Sly belting out "Let's Do The Time Warp Again"?  (I have no idea whether Rocky actually sings in the film, I never did watch it in its entirety).

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Finally, a Neopolitan pizza crust that works in a home oven!!!

A few weeks ago, we went to Pizzetta in Mystic and I came home wanting to duplicate their light, crisp, excellent crust.  I've been making pizza at home for years and  although I nailed down the toppings pretty early on, the crust has tormented me for almost all that time.  


I've bought dough from good pizzerias, but such doughs are meant to be cooked at a much higher temperature than one can manage in a home oven and yield (in my opinion) too bready of a crust. I tried making my own dough with recipes from cookbooks, pizza-specific cookbooks and the internet.  Everything I read suggested using high gluten flours to get pizzeria results.  I tried bread flour, mixing bread and all-purpose, tried adding vital wheat gluten, and fiddling with the amounts of water and olive oil, but the end results were always the same. A too-thick, bready crust that everyone else said was good, but that I didn't love the way I loved Pepe's or First & Last. To me, it merely tasted "good for homemade", which is never my goal when cooking.  I want good (preferably great), period.  


My first brush with something close to what I was looking for was actually a recipe for Naan bread.  I noticed that the Naan dough cooked up lighter and thinner than pizza dough but still was slightly chewy.  So I began using it if for pizzas with decent results.     


The Naan recipe got me close and after the visit to Pizzetta, I decide to do an experiment. Counterintuitively, I decided to lower the gluten by leaving out the bread flour, and swapping in some cake flour.   This seems to have done the trick (for now), yielding light thin crusts that have as decent chewiness and cook quickly.    I use a pizza stone and a pizza peel to get the best results.  


Pizza Dough

• 1 2/3 cup Unbleached All Purpose flour
• 2/3cup cake flour (I used SoftAsSilk)  *optional 
• 1/2 packet active dry yeast (about two tsp)
• 6oz warm water (105-110°)
• 1 tbsp Extra Virgin Olive Oil
• 1/2 tsp Salt
• Pinch of sugar

Whisk the dry ingredients (flours, yeast, salt, sugar)together. Using a stiff silicon spatula, stir in the water and oil until the dough comes together, about 3 minutes.    Once it does, turn the dough out onto a floured surface and knead for about 15 minutes until you have a good dough ball. This something that one only knows with practice, so it might take a little trial and error until it feels right.    Divide the dough into 2 balls and place each in a lightly oiled bowl  Cover with a damp towel and let the dough rise for about 45 minutes before using.  If you're not planning to use use it right away, it can be refrigerated overnight. Just remember to allow it to rise and come to room temperature before using it.  (note: the damp towel is key here, as it prevents the dough from having unworkable dry spots)

Making Pizzas


Now that you've done the heavy lifting and made the dough, It's time to make a few pies. The recipe above makes 2 small pizzas.   Any combination that you want can work, although when putting on toppings, I've found that less is more, especially with mozzarella.   


Place a pizza stone on the lowest rack in the oven (Take the other rack out or move it as high as you can. Making pizza requires room to move) & preheat to 550°.  Once the oven is preheated, give the stone a good hour or so to heat up.    Stretch the dough out to about 12" with a thicker rim and place on a well floured pizza peel.  Make sure that the dough can slide freely and position it a the edge of the peel.  Quickly top your pizza and gently let slide it onto the stone from the peel with a quick pull ( it takes practice, watch this guy).  Let the pizza cook for 8 minutes or until the cheese is bubbly and browned to your liking. remove from oven and allow the pie to set for 4-5 minutes before cutting.  


A Basic Pie

• 30oz can Italian tomatoes, crushed and thoroughly drained
• Fresh or dried herbs (Oregano, Rosemary, Thyme & Basil) 
• Grated Pecorino Romano or Parmigiana Reggio 
• Fresh Mozzarella, shredded 
• Salt & Pepper

For a basic sauce, I use Vanlia Whole Italian tomatoes (any whole or crushed tomatoes will do), which I hand-crush with a potato masher and drain in a strainer.  This is important, as not draining the liquid will give you a soupy mess of pizza.  Once the tomatoes are drained,  I stir in a tablespoon of Tomato paste and a tbsp of olive oil and a bit of salt.  I don't use garlic on a plain pizza, but if you like it that way, go ahead.


Lightly brush prepared dough with olive oil.  Using a measuring cup, spread out a thin layer of sauce and sprinkle with herbs & pepper( If I have fresh basil leaves, I usually hold those out and put them on top of the cheese). Top with a generous layer of Romano cheese then a sparing  layer fresh mozzarella.  Drizzle a spiral of olive oil over the pie and bake for 8 minutes.

"Summer Pie"

Fresh tomatoes, sliced 1/4 " thick  cut in thirds or quarters, depending on size
fresh herbs (Oregano, Sage, Thyme, rosemary & Basil) 
Olive oil
2-3 cloves of garlic, minced 
Pecorino Romano
Fresh Mozzarella, shredded  (or thinly sliced)

Lay the sliced tomatoes on a paper towel and sprinkle with salt.  Lightly brush prepared dough with olive oil.  arrange the tomato pieces evenly around the dough, sprinkle with herbs and garlic. Top with a generous layer of Romano cheese then a light layer of fresh mozzarella.  Drizzle a spiral of olive oil over the pie and bake for 8 minutes.

New Haven Style White Clam

• 1 cup of chopped clams, thoroughly drained
• fresh or dried herbs
• salt & pepper
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• olive oil
• Pecorino Romano

Squeeze excess liquid from clams with a paper towel,then sprinkle with salt.  Lightly brush prepared dough with olive oil.  Arrange the clam pieces evenly around the dough and sprinkle with herbs and garlic. Top with a generous layer of Romano cheese, drizzle with a spiral of Olive oil and bake for 8 minutes.

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OK Class. I'd like everyone to say their name and something interesting about themselves.

When I was in college, I was shy and nervous to an absurd level (at just the perfect age to feel that way. Thank you, Universe!), uncomfortable in my own skin and with a tendency to completely freeze up in crowds.  So despite having lots of opinions and generally knowing the material, I wasn't a very participatory student.  The idea of presenting my artwork in class would cause a mini-panic attacks, which is likely the reason that I get to hear "You should have been an artist" instead of, you know, actually being one.  Ditto for being called on in class, and doubly so for presenting a research project.    Still, I had a good avoidance strategy in place to cope with those situations, generally hiding and grunting out answers only when the words "Mr. Macharelli, do you know X?" spoiled my day .  There was, however, one scenario that used to wreak havoc with my technique.

As fate would have it (fucking fate, always sticking to me whenever possible), I seemed to regularly enroll in classes with professors who would kick off the new semester by having the students introduce themselves to the class.  At that point my life, it was pure torture.   The "something about yourself" part was terrifying.  Who the hell was I?  At 36, a wiser and and more confident me struggles with that question. The 19 year-old me had no chance.  You could have gotten me to say almost anything to avoid it.   I'd turn over my lunch money. I'd write an overlong, navel-gazing, extra-credit essay.   I'd have confessed to being on the Grassy Knoll in 1963.

Now that I think of it, it would have been awesome to have said "Hi, my name is David, and you may have seen some of my work in your 20th Cent. American Civ. class. It may seem impossible due my birth date, but I was the "Grassy Knoll" shooter.  I was trying a variation on Christopher Reeve's self-hypnosis time travel bit from Somewhere in Time for an extra credit history project in that same class, only to awaken in a room surrounded by Charlie Luciano, Fidel Castro and J. Edgar Hoover.  Somehow, they knew I was from the future and threatened to have my then-teenage parents eliminated unless I complied with their demands.  The instant that the trigger was pulled and the deed done, I reached into my pocket as Hoover had instructed to find a 1974 Kennedy half-dollar, the sight of which jarred me back to the present along with all evidence that I was there. Remarkable plan by those guys. It's nice to meet all of you. (little wave and grin)".  Alas, even adult-me could never pull that off,  so what normally happened was this...

I'd glance at the clock, dividing the number of minutes left in class by the number of people ahead of me and the average time they blathered on for in the hopes that time would expire before I had to take my turn.  At some point, it would become apparent that ten people weren't going to consume 35 minutes saying hello, not even if two or three of them were engagers like my father, and I'd curse the rotten luck of having a middle of the alphabet last name instead of something like Zimmerman. Once this realization set in, my throat and mouth  would start to dry out. Then adrenaline would course through my system, causing my hands to shake and sweat, my face to flush, and the always popular, "butterflies in the stomach".  Finally, the moment of truth would arrive.  It was my turn.

Heart pounding through my chest, I'd pop up and rasp out something like (at hyper-speed and without spaces, like The Flash rogue Prof. Zoom) "MYNAMEISDAVID-ANDIAMANARTMAJOR!" and immediately drop back into my chair.  The adrenaline crash would start as soon as my ass hit the seat, where I would slump, head in hand,  eyes darting around to check for people staring at and judging me.  Looking back, it's doubtful anyone was even paying attention and if they were, well, it's not like it was undeserved.

The stupidity of it is hilarious  to me now but funnier still is this.  People used to know the guy who behaved this way, and still wonder why I had trouble dating.

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Crestfallen

No, not me.  Not in this post anyway.

During my pawnbroker days,  I used to regular have to dash the hopes of people who were victims of  the   classic white van speaker scam.

First,  some background.    In the case of the white van speaker scam, a van would pull up to someone in a parking lot and spin a story about how the driver was a delivery man who had just come from (insert local club here) and had a few professional DJ speakers "left over". Since "he couldn't take them back to the warehouse", he would offer to them to sell at deep discount, as though they were unordered pizzas coming out of the delivery person's salary.  The driver would prove that the speakers had a retail value of $1500.00 with some slickly produced (or, photocopied on colored paper. People still fell for it  I guess paper = OFFICIAL!) paperwork or ads.   For some percentage of men (No sexism intended, it was seemingly always men who fell for this gimmick),  this would seal the deal and they'd leave as proud owners of some professional DJ Speakers.

Some of these guys might actually hook the speakers up, and realize that they sounded terrible. Others might have their spouse or parents tell them they had no room for big clunky speakers.  Others still would have the idea of a quick cash-in,  looking to turn their hundred dollar investment into big payday.  Regardless of their motivations, the conversation would always go the same way when the purchaser of the speakers would come into the pawn shop.

It opened with  something like...
"Hey.  How much do you give for brand new items?"
I'd reply with "About a third to half of the retail price"
 "What? Really! Do you take professional speakers?" with barely restrained jubilation as visions of $500 to $750  dancing in his head.  I should note that the words "professional speakers " are an immediate red flag that the conversation will be taking an ugly turn when said speakers actually come through the door. Still, since sometimes, the customer actually had decent speakers i was obliged to answer
"Yes."

"OK! Let me go out and get them!"  as they would practically float out to the car, imagining their new side business as a DJ Equipment middleman leading to a swim in their own version of Scrooge McDuck's treasure vault.

I would wait at the counter with the nervous  anticipation of what was to follow, and follow it did, nearly every time.  The person would lug the box of speakers up to the counter.  I'd look at them, and deadpan "We can give you $50 for those.".  If I were living a sitcom, this would part where the record needle scratch effect would screech.

"What? WHAT? You said I could get at least a third of what they cost!  They're worth almost two-thousand dollars!" would begin  their argument.

A weak shrug and  "I'm sorry, but they're not.  They go for around $100.00 to $125.00." was all I could offer in return.  Things were about to escalate quickly.

"YOU FUCKING LYING CON ARTIST PUNK! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! I WANT TO SEE A MANAGER! YOU'RE TRYING TO RIP ME OFF SO YOU CAN HAVE THEM FOR YOURSELF, YOU SCUMBAG!  THESE ARE PROFESSIONAL QUALITY!" was the furious response.

With that, my pity would evaporate, and I could drop the bomb guilt-free.

I'd raise an eyebrow and calmly say "You didn't buy these from a guy in a white van, did you?"  and watch the blood drain from our prospective electronic wholesaler's face, his shoulders sagging as the realization hit.  He'd been ripped off. After that,  some of them take the $50.00 and some would decide to keep the speakers.  Either way, they would sort of slink out of the store defeated and embarrassed, but maybe a  little wiser.

All of these operations work best when the person buying doesn't really think it through.  Even reasonably intelligent people have their brains shut down by the promise of a quick cash in. Lest we think that I'm just some smug prick picking on the shortcomings of others, I fully admit that I'm an idiot, too.

When I was seventeen or eighteen,  my  father, brother and I went on a bus trip to NYC for a Knicks-Bulls game.  We were walking on Canal St. when a man approached us with a Macy's bag containing what appeared to be a brand-new, in the box, still in the plastic!,  JVC compact-VHS camcorder.  He offered to sell it for $150. This being the early 90's, that sounded like a great deal to my brother and I, and I was sold almost instantly. My father, the shrewd negotiator of the trio, haggled with this street entrepreneur and settled on $100.00.   He quickly agreed, took the cash, and vanished.   As we were walking back to the bus,  the warm glow of getting something for nothing wore off of my father, who decided to open the box and see what we'd gotten.  Rather than a shiny new, likely hot, camcorder, the box was filled with shredded newspapers, a 5 lb dumbbell weight, plastic bags, and, as a final insult, a used condom.

Needless to say, it put a damper on an otherwise enjoyable  Knicks' win over the Bulls, but at least I learned that the things that seem too good to be true, usually are.  We kept the weight to serve as a reminder of that, as though I would ever forget the condom.

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Mayan Chocolate Cookies

I made these up after deciding to include a bag of cinnamon chips when taking advantage of sale on chocolate chips.  I was just going to go with the standard toll-house recipe (with cinnamon chips filling in for the chopped walnuts), but then I decided to make some changes to the dough.  I tripled the vanilla extract, added some baking powder, cinnamon and cocoa.  The end result reminded me of the flavor of  Häagen-Dazs' Mayan Chocolate ice cream, with a nice balance of chocolate and cinnamon, so that's what I decided to call them.   The proportion of cocoa is more like red velvet cake than a double-chocolate cookie. 

Mayan Chocolate Cookies

(makes roughly 24 5" cookies or 48 normal-sized cookies)

Ingredients
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
tsp salt
tsp  baking soda
1/2 tsp baking powder1 
1&1/2 tbsp cocoa powder

1 tbsp cinnamon

tbsp Vanilla extract
2 sticks butter, softened
3/4 cup light brown sugar, packed
3/4 cup white sugar
2 eggs
2 cups chocolate chips
1 cup cinnamon chips




Preheat  the oven to 375°.  Line 2 cookie sheets with parchment paper. 


Mix the flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt, cinnamon, and cocoa in a bowl and set aside.  Cream the softened butter, sugar and vanilla in an stand mixer.  Add the eggs.  Slowly mix in the flour mixture until dough forms.  Stir in the chocolate and cinnamon chips. 


Bake at 375° for 12-17 minutes, depending on size of cookies. I tend to make huge cookies, using 1/4 cup, slightly flattened mounds that run toward 17 minutes. It can be difficult to tell when these are when these are done, as the dough  is already light brown when it goes into the oven and doesn't noticeably change in color.   I recommend setting the timer for 12 minutes then watching them closely.

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Apple Pie. Not "Prize-Winning" But The Best I've made.

I wish I could knew on what world this crust only rated a 6 of 10 in scoring.  I'd also like to try a slice of the winners, partly for comparison, and partly because, well, I like pies.

9" Two-Crusted Apple Pie

Crust
2½
2 tbsp sugar
1 tsp salt
½ cup shortening (frozen), cut into ½ cubes
¾ cup unsalted butter (frozen)
8 tbsp ice water

Filling
4-5 Granny Smith apples (peeled & cored, sliced ¼ inch thick)
3  MacIntosh apples  (peeled & cored, sliced ¼ inch thick)
2/3 cup sugar
tsp cinnamon
¼ tsp nutmeg
¼ tsp allspice
¼ tsp kosher salt
1 tbsp honey
1 tbsp cornstarch
rind of ½ lemon (about a tsp)
juice of ½ lemon
1 egg, beaten with a tbsp of water
½ tbsp coarse raw sugar

Pre-heat oven to 500° with an sheet pan on the bottom shelf.

Mix flour, sugar salt and shortening until combined.  Grate in butter and mix until the mixture resembles
coarse crumbs.  Add water by the tablespoon and stir until the dough comes together.  Separate dough into
2 pieces, wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate for an hour, or overnight.   Roll out each dough ball until it's a
few inches larger than the pie plate.  Carefully place the bottom dough in pan and press it into the corners.

Separate apples in two bowls, add ½ of lemon juice, rind, and honey to each bowl and toss until evenly
coated.  Stir sugar, salt, spices, and cornstarch together.  Add some to each bowl of apples and toss. 
Starting with Granny Smith, alternate layers of apples, mounding them in the center.   Top with second crust,
trim excess dough, roll and pinch edges closed.  Lightly brush with egg wash, dust with raw sugar, and cut
four small vent holes in the top crust. 

Put pie on the preheated sheet pan, lower the oven to 420 ° , and bake about 20 minutes until crust is
golden-brown.  Rotate the sheet pan, lower the over to 350°, and bake until filling start to bubble.  Cool pie
on wire rack to room temp before cutting.

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Beef Stroganoff

I like mushrooms, but I leave them out of this recipe because a lot of people (primarily the one I live with) don't.  If you do, simply add a cup of your favorite mushrooms to the onions when you're sauteing them.

Beef Stroganoff


Ingredients

• 1 lb beef (sirloin tips or chuck steak work best), sliced into thin ribbons
• Worcestershire sauce
• 1 tsp ground mustard
• 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 1&1/2 cups beef stock
• 1 tbsp "old style" or coarse Dijon mustard
• Medium yellow onion halved and sliced
• 1/4 cup sour cream
• 3-4 tbsp butter
• Extra large egg noodles or home-made pappardelle if you're feeling ambitious

Prep work

Marinate beef in Worcestershire sauce and a dry red wine for about an hour. Pat it dry on a paper towel, then slice diagonally as thin as you can manage.   Season with salt and pepper.  Slice the onion in half, then into thin (3/16") slices.

Cooking

Heat a dutch oven over similarly deep pan over medium high heat, brown the beef strips until they have seared crust.  It will only take a minute or so per side, and you're not really cooking it through but going for the ever-flavorful "browned bits".  If you have a lot of beef or a small pan, do it in stages .   Once satisfactorily browned, remove the meat from pan and set aside. 

Heat a tbsp of butter in the skillet . Saute onions with in tbsp butter until translucent and slightly browned de-glazing once with brandy and once with an ounce or two of beef stock.  Remove the onions from the pan, and set aside with the beef.

Heat the remaining three tbsp of butter, add flour and ground mustard seed to make a roux ( you may need to add a little more butter or olive oil if it's too thick.  When the roux is dark golden brown, slowly  add the beef stock and few shakes of Worcestershire  sauce. Whisk smooth and simmer until thickened, add beef (with any accumulated juices) and onions, mustard, cover and simmer over low heat for about 10 minutes.  While simmering, boil the noodles as you normally would and drain. 

Serving

Remove the beef Stroganoff from heat, stir in the sour cream, let stand covered for a minute or two, then serve over the noodles.

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